IELTS Writing task 2 (Agree of disagree)

Question

Sửa bài giúp mình với

In recent years, there is a substantial increase in crime, especially in metropolitan cities around the world. Although, some believe that prisoners finishing a term of punishment might help others not commit a crime, they are not the best people to educate teenagers either knowledge or consciousness in terms of crime.

There are variety of demerits by raising the young’s awareness via people who have been in prison. First, since they have committed a crime, regardless of their levels, there is less reliant on their improvement, either character or knowledge. In fact, a wide range of evidence has conducted that crimes usually tend to break the law more than one times, which makes parents do not allow those children to have a lose exposure with the offenders. Second, if prisoners have remained negative thinking, they have become a significant danger. For example, heroin- related crimes might not give up their job after leaving the prison, they may be act as an incentive for teenager to jump into this illegal way.

The better way to prevent a teenager from committing a sin is education either law knowledge or ethical problems. First, family and society have immensely considerable impacts on shaping morality as well as personality of a person from childhood. Since children might be impressed profoundly by childhood experiences, such as parents’ conflicts and school bully, which makes them have a tendency to become glacial people. Second, the provision of knowledge in terms of law in early period allows teenagers to conceive/distinguish between true and false actions. For example, if children are taught about traffic lights, they will execute seriously, which help build up good habits in a long run.

In conclusion, law breakers might become good citizens after educating, but they are not the best people who help teenagers stay away from committing crimes. In order to upbringing great future generations, this requires the combination of both the government and families.

Answer 1

Bài sửa đã viết lại và sửa lỗi ngữ pháp

In recent years, there is a substantial increase in crime, especially in metropolitan cities around the world. Although some believe that prisoners finishing a term of punishment might help others not commit a crime, they are not the best people to educate teenagers either knowledge or consciousness in terms of crime. 

There are a variety of demerits by raising the young’s awareness via people who have been in prison. First, since they have committed a crime, regardless of their levels, there is less tendency on their improvement, either character or knowledge. A wide range of evidence has conducted that crimes usually tend to break the law more than one time, which makes parents do not allow those children to have loose exposure to the offenders. Second, if prisoners have remained negative thinking, they have become a significant danger. For example, heroin-related crimes might not give up their job after leaving prison, they may act as an incentive for the teenager to jump into this illegal way. 

The best way to prevent the teenager from committing a sin is education either law knowledge or ethical problems. First, family and society have immensely considerable impacts on shaping morality as well as the personality of a person from childhood. Since children might be impressed profoundly by childhood experiences, such as parents’ conflicts and school bully, which makes them have a tendency to become glacial people. Second, the provision of knowledge in terms of the law in the early period allows teenagers to conceive/distinguish between true and false actions. For example, if children are taught about traffic lights, they will execute seriously, which helps build up good habits in the long run. 
In conclusion, lawbreakers might become good citizens after educating, but they are not the most suitable people who help teenagers stay away from committing crimes. In order to upbringing great future generations, it requires the combination of both the government and families.

Comments

An effective thesis statement helps the reader to anticipate the structure of an essay by making a claim with two or three elements that will be developed in the body of the essay. For example, if you model your thesis on the formula "X is Y because A, B, and C," then Paragraph 2 will develop A, Paragraph 3 will develop B, and Paragraph 4 will develop C.

Task success

IELTS Academic Writing Task-2 Rubric

Feedback: In my opinion, your IELTS band score for this essay is 6.00

Task band score: 6

The writer presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive.

Support band score: 6

The writer presents relevant main ideas, but some ideas may under- developed or unclear.

Sequencing band score: 6

There is a progression of information and ideas.

Cohesion band score: 6

The writer uses cohesive devices, but cohesion within or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical.

Paragraphing band score: 7

The writer presents a clear central topic within each paragraph.

Lexical sophistication band score: 6

The writer attempts to use intermediate vocabulary but with some inaccuracy.

Vocabulary band score: 6

The writer makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but the meaning is usually clear despite errors.

Grammatical complexity band score: 6

The writer uses a limited range of simple and complex sentence forms.

Grammatical accuracy band score: 5

There are frequent grammatical and punctuation errors, causing some difficulty for the reader.